Excerpt

I lived there when I turned 21 for a year, and as much as I hated being away from my friends and family, the seclusion was exactly what i needed for my mental health. I learned a lot about myself in the absence of everyone near and dear to my heart. I learned to love the sound of winds, the sight of the leaves rustling all over the nearly ice cold concrete, and most of all the fresh crisp air that just filled my lungs with the comfortable sting of home. For being in a completely new territory, and being faced with the ultimate culture shock of a small town coming from being surrounded by city my whole life, I really grew to see this foreign place as my home. I for once in my life was able to sit out on my front porch, completely free in every way sipping my coffee to look up and see every star in the sky. There was no light pollution to ruin the beauty the heavens give us in the absence of materialistic posessions.
As I am here back in the enticing Southern California city life, the wind is the only thing I have here to remind me of that simple time in my life when I uprooted everything to live alone in the country. I don’t have the blessing of being able to sit out on my porch to drink my coffee, and look up to see the millions of shiny stars glaring down at me. All I have now are endless series of street lights, and the lights of the city to disguise the beauty of our nature. Oh how i miss the simplicity of that small town life.
I only made one friend the whole time I was there, and we never hung out once. We were school buddies, but I grew very fond of the girl. She was a small girl, who grew up in this small town with big town dreams. She wasn’t my best friend, but she was the closest thing I had to a close friend all alone up there. Hell, she probably doesn’t even know I conisder her a friend in my book. To her, we are probably strangers that met in school and became sociable towards each other for that reason alone. I know if the tables were turned that’s what I would feel.
She was a quirky, petite girl with a great infectious smile. Don’t get my flattery wrong for affection, I just admired her persona. She was a genuinely warm hearted person with a genuine personality. We would talk in class and vent to each other about the little problems in our lives, and other times we would sit and laugh at all the same quirkiness in everyones personalities including our own. She was one of those girls I wish I had known my whole life. Sadly, after my move back to the city we lost most contact with each other. She is still one of those people that I would help at any time if she needed it.
I remember my first day of school in this estranged town I was so nervous. The campus building in my town was roughly the size of a bank, with 6 classrooms, a computer lab, and a small room as our library. All of it was so alien to me, I thought I’d never adjust. I walked into my statistics class so unsure of everything I would be facing all alone this year in what I often think back as my year of solitude. I must have stuck out like a redhead in the middle of Compton in the middle of the night. The only white person in any of my classes, and I am not even full white. But boy did I stand out from the rest.
With the stagnant flavor of coffee on my breath I am forced to remember all my 2 AM runs to the local 7 eleven for my fix of more coffee for my christmas mug I never seemed to retire. I would on many of my sleepless nights fill my coffee mug, and pick up an old book, or put on for the hundedth time Breakfast at Tiffanys. I would sit with my puppy watching her while she slept like a baby through all my constant movement throughout the house through the late hours of the night. Often so restless at night she would either come curl up at my feet or she would demand a full cuddle from me, seeming to know that if I cuddled with her warm little fur ball body I would soon succumb to the temptation of my heavy eyelids.

Semicolon

The semicolon ; used when a sentence could have been ended but wasnt. And isnt that the beautiful tragedy of most relationships. To expect an ending only to just prolong the inevitable period. The married couple who always fight, dont have sex anymore, and rarely sleep in the same bed. The baby love couple, fresh out of high school totally unaware of the changes their lives are going to go through that will most likely rip them apart. And me, holding on to her with every fiber of my being. Never using the period, always continuing even if theres nothing left to say. Keeping the possibility of a new sentence in my mind at all times.

EQUALITY!

I know I am a few days late in the whole DOMA, Prop 8 excitement. So lets start out with how unbelievably excited and happy I am to be a part of a state that now recognizes gay marriage. Soon throughout the country it wont be called gay marriage, it will just be marriage. I am so so so happy that I now have the right to marry any women I want to. I went to bed tuesday with that right being taken away, and woke up wednesday morning with that right given back to me, and to all my LGBT friends. 

Our children will one day ask us, did you really have to go through the persecution and a time of inequality for your sexual orientation. And our generation will tell our kids, nieces, nephews, etc, that WE stood up for our rights to love who we love even when it was tough. That kids, teens, young adults, were killing themselves because of their sexuality, and we stood up and said enough was enough. WE fought for equality, and fought for our rights as humans to not make any more of these people feel the only way to deal with their sexuality was death. WE made a difference in our long long fight for our rights. WE didnt back down when our peers, or even worse our family persecuted us for our choices. WE stood our ground when family, friends, coworkers, the media, told us we were immoral, that we were the abominations. (450 species practice homosexuality, only one has homophobia...who are the abominations now?) 

Wednesday was a historical day for California, and a big step for our nation to one day get gay marriage legal on a national scale. It is an ongoing battle, but for now GOOD BYE PROP HATE, DOMA is gone forever! 

Family

Family?

Before the judgments flow through the minds of anyone, let me state that family is supposed to be the most important foundation in our lives and yet I find it hard to say I care about some of my family.

Our relatives are our blood, through thick and thin? I think not. Just because someone shares my DNA does not in any way make them family. I think so many people forget this. Some have these strong values about family being everything, and I would agree. But a lot of the time people forget that family is a title earned not a rightful title given at birth.

I can accept the fact that there are blood relations that I do not love, and simply don't have a care for them for one reason or another. I've been given opposition to this from people saying that I am morally wrong for thinking that, and family is the only thing we can count on.

But what do you do when your family has proven to you time and time again that they cannot be counted on? Betrayal, lies, and heartache are not the characteristics I choose to associate with family. Instead of yearning for a side of the family to behave like decent humans, I found my replacement. I found my family among friends as well as certain areas of my gene pool.

I chose to make a family I could count on. Blood is simply a fact of a DNA connection . Family is what is felt in the heart. The ones you would turn to before anyone else. When I realized I would go to certain people before I would go to some of my family I knew that family was a matter of choice.

You can't choose the family you are born into, but you can choose who you consider family. My grandma once told me that saying some blood relatives are not family is like saying she was not my family. When in fact that is completely wrong because she has been like a mother to me.

Family is supposed to be your rock, support, shoulder, etc. When you have an undeniable love for someone, a love that you know you would die for, that is when you know you have family.

If family is everything, then I want my everything to be exactly what I choose to feel as family. Not this preconceived idea that anyone who shares my DNA comes first and foremost

I Can Watch This Over and Over

My first movie I can and have watched numerous times is Breakfast at Tiffanys. I can watch this movie two or three times a week and it will never get old for me. I first saw it my senior year of high school, and fell in love with it my first year of college. Holly Golightly is such a relateable character to me. She is this lost girl in New York City looking for money and her idea of love in all the wrong places. She is in the kindest of words, a gold digger.

Although she has her shady behavior with men, her character is completely lovable. She is frustrating at times, but even for an older movie, her character is easy to understand and relate to in any era I believe. A lot of her feelings and her characteristics are still extremely relative and comprehensive to a lot of women now.

She is simply a lost and scared girl. Her heart is genuinely warm, although her actions at times make her out to be a cold money hungry temptress. Her real warm hearted side comes into play when she meets someone who seems to challenge her views and doesn't simply bow down to her lifestyle. Although he is exactly like her, a gold digging man using a fortune of an older women to support him and further his career as an author.

It isn't until he meets her that he starts to really see the wrong in his way of living. He wants to make an honest living, and wants to find real love when he meets her. These characters are even today, modern. They just capture what it is really like to be a struggling young adult and the lengths some of us are willing to go to ensure their futures.

I can identify with Holly simply because I know exactly how it feels to be lost and scared in this world not knowing how on earth I am going to make it on my own. This character will always be relevant which is why this movie will never get old for me. No matter what era we are in her struggles and fears are the same fears everyone faces at one point in their lives or another.

You simply cannot live your life without these sorts of issues and fears which makes this movie a timeless classic. If someone cannot relate to either of the main characters then they are not living their life, or taking risks. I believe any age group can relate, whether you are a middle schooler looking for your place among cliques, a high schooler unsure of your future, a college student trying to get a degree and earn a living, a middle age person struggling with all the obstacles life has to throw you, or an elderly person unsure of their life's accomplishments. The theme of the movie is universal, and fitting to all ages.

It is a simple movie, with simple people living their lives as best as they can in their moments of confusion, love, and fear. The simplicity of the relationships is so realistic and just honest that I wont ever get tired of watching this movie no matter how many times I watch it.

soul mates

The day old question, Do soul mates exist?

Yes soul mates exist, but not in the way Hollywood makes them out. A soul mate is someone who connects with you on an emotional level, a deeper level than any other person has accomplished. A soul mate can be a friend, a family member, best friend, or the traditional one, a lover.

Soul mates are put in our lives at carefully selected times. I read once, "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

There is nothing truer than that. They come in fill a void in your heart, warm a spot in there, then they leave, leaving a hole for someone else to come and fill with new knowledge and new experiences.

I believe our souls are connected with fellow souls, and much of our life is this gravitational pull to our next experience. If the reality of past lives is in fact true, then I am forced to believe that souls through time form deep connections, and search for each other constantly. And in a string of luck might possibly get to connect again. Sometimes maybe those souls face the same fate they have always faced and are forced to part, and maybe, just maybe they get things right in this lifetime and end up being together for this life at the very least.

Its a beautiful thing to think about, whether true or not, it is nice to think that maybe at one point in time those souls have touched each other. I don't believe we have souls, I believe we are souls, and these are our bodies. A mere host for this lifetime.

I have been lucky enough to have met two of my soul mates. One of them being my best friend, and the other a past love. How can anyone be sure that someone they meet is a soul mate? There is no clear answer, no right or wrong. It is all about the pure feelings. When you meet someone and you have that instant connection, it is undeniable that those two people are meant to be a part of each others lives, whether for a brief time, or forever.

These two people have touched my heart beyond feelings, they have graced my soul. They have both taught me things about myself, and life that I would not have otherwise had knowledge of. The love was short, but not forgotten. I will never not love that girl, but our soul mate time ended. Maybe one of those soul mates that is destined to repeat the past? The other one, my best friend, I could confidently say knows me better than I know myself.

Cliche, yes, but true nonetheless. She knows every nook and cranny of my mind, even thousands of miles apart, rarely seeing each other, and minimal talks, she is the closest person to my heart to this day. Closer than my family, and any partner I have ever had has gotten to.

Soul mates don't come once in your life, but throughout our lives, helping us shape ourselves. They are the people that walk us through obstacles we may not even realize we had until years later. They make you feel a little less empty, and a lot more whole. Their is no such thing as a perfect soul mate. They are meant to push your buttons, challenge you, and make you a better you along the way.

day 2 letter

Dear Dad,
well we dont have much of a relationship.. We talk but we dont really talk. We see each other but we dont actually see each other. We live on the surface towards each other, but no further than surface facades. Our version of affection is a quick pat on the back with no feeling. We dont feel in our family. We dont show that we love one another, or care about one another. I know its there, but we dont ever see it. I am just this person trapped in this body unable to show you who I am.
I dont blame you for your attachment issues. I have the same ones thanks to you. I just wish I could have the dad I had before you got cancer. The dad that was hilarious, and outgoing, and easy to get along with. The life of the party dad. I knew you before you had cancer, and we never got reacquainted. I will catch a glimpse here and there, its a rarity, like a brief window opens up and then closes back almost instantly. Sierra was too young to ever remember you pre-cancer. And its a shame, because anyone that knew you before can attest that you were 360 degrees different.
I miss that dad, and my sisters will never get a chance to truly see the man my mom fell in love with. Yes of course she loves you, or at least most of the time, but you arent the same person she married. She misses you. I know she does. She wishes she could have the Kevin that she met in high school, the one she married, the one she was happy to take home to her family and friends.
Its not your fault, I know that. But it doesnt make it any easier for us. And I know you feel it too. I know you can tell you are completely changed. Life beat you down and you got back up, but not without permanent scarring. And its just a shame. I wish I could have the relationship that a father and daughter have. I wish I could talk to you the way my friends talk to their parents. I wish I felt comfortable opening up to you, or to anyone for that matter.
 Ive let three people in my entire life. Two of them are my best friends. One of them broke my heart and crushed me from the inside out. And you wouldnt know anything about that because I cant come to you and talk to you about these things that go on in my life. I wish I could. I dont know why I cant let anyone in without taking off in the other direction sprinting away from anyone that could maybe poke a few of my walls.
Maybe its our family? Your whole side is emotionally destructive, and fucked up. Maybe its our curse. Or maybe its just some fucked up cycle that every generation keeps passing on. If I ever have kids, I hope to god I dont pass this fucked up mental health on to them. I dont think I will, simply because your side of the family is diminishing because theyre all too fucked up to be a real family. The only family I have ever had came from my moms side. That will be the environment they are raised in well before they get a whiff of the shit show your family puts on.
Well dad, Im sorry im not the daughter envisioned, or what not. I am not living the life you planned. But you should know better... Parents cannot plan their childs lives. It never works. I wish we could have that close relationship, but I simply know its not in the cards for us. Maybe one day. I say that with little hope though.