Bitter

     Its so hard to express myself. I avoid feelings and emotions at all costs. I often come off as an asshole or a bitch. But those who know me well enough know that I am actually very caring and that I have a big heart. Sadly my own parents cant be included in that category.

     Its exhausting to have your parents time and time again never choose to see a positive part of who I am. They cling to their comfort. And sick as it is, their comfort is seeing me at my worst. They love to tell people whats wrong with them rather then acknowledge the good in anyone. So when I am in a much healthier mental state and my self esteem was rising, of course my mom does everything in her power to knock me down. She doesnt want to acknowledge that I am in a better place, because then that would mean her religion is coming into question. How could you be gay and be happy? How could you say you love God, be happy and be gay? If you are happy with who you are and she doesnt agree, she comes in with the old stereo types of yourself that are years old. She loves reminding me of my darker place, when I am clearly in such a brighter place against their will. 

      Not only does she refuse to see the good in who I am becoming, she loves to play the martyr. Being offended that I am still bitter and angry towards how she and my father treated me when I came out. Like how dare I be angry for what she says "is merely a disapproval". That statement is utter bullshit. She tells me all the time that I am just so low on self esteem that I will go for whatever is there. Not only have i turned down quite a few men, I have turned down just as many girls. If I had low self esteem it would be because of her. She tells me that this is just a phase. That this is a form of demonic possession  That no one in our family approves or likes that I am gay, despite the fact that each of them have called me on their own time and have talked to me about it. 

     Wanna talk about disapproval? Getting pregnant at 19, and married at 20, then having me 2 months later. My grandparents didnt approve but they didnt tell her she was damned to hell, that her actions were that of a demon, or show her any less love. Thats the difference between being morally decent and being ridiculously closed minded. 

      

Question of the day

Q: What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

It is definitely easier to look into someones eyes when they are telling me how they feel. Neither are easy for me but if I had to choose to do one I would choose the second one. I have such a ridiculous fear of letting people in, and being too close, and being intimate with someone. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. To look directly into someones eyes when opening that cage of vulnerability is like letting a person who has never gone to medical surgery perform open heart surgery on me. It rips open every ounce of that wall you had up. 
When I have avoided eye contact in the past it was because I really didnt feel the words I was saying. Not to say i throw around emotions with people, because in the moment I believed that I had those feelings, and it wasnt until looking back that I saw the fault in my actions. Theres one person I have managed to open this kind of vulnerability to. And I have so many friends who have said that you cant love someone in a short time, and i just find that to be ridiculous. I cant say that in the past i didnt feel that way because I really did. I always thought you had to have a strong relationship before you could feel any form of love. And by experience with this one person, an experience so brief it hurts my heart, I know that its completely possible to fall in love with someone in  a short amount of time.
I believe in many soulmates in someones lifetime. Each one of those soulmates are meant to be in someones life but not necessarily meant to stay. Those soulmates are meant to make us question ourselves, theyre meant to rip open every facet of our mind and mix us up, theyre meant to shake our world up and leave us turned upside down. They are meant to poke holes in our heart and then leave with those holes gaping so that something magnificent can take its place and fill us up. 
When our heart is full another soulmate comes along and repeats the process, and this continues throughout our lives until we are who we are supposed to be.
She was one of those soulmates for me. I wish she was that one soulmate that never leaves, but that just isnt in the cards for us. Maybe she will be the soulmate that comes back. I dont know, All i know is I loved, and still love her with every cell in my body. She is the most haunting thought I have at night, as well as the most beautiful image I can conjur up. 
She is no where near perfect, and shes not even a healthy choice. But when you meet that someone and you just fall and open every door and lower every wall youve built your whole life, it sticks with you. And your friends wont understand, and they may think youre foolish, but you know the feeling of meeting someone so utterly special to your world. And that feeling of love will never fade in your mind. Its something you can always look back to and remember so vividly. 
And the first step to all of these feelings was staring straight into her eyes telling her how i felt. It was the beginning of such a crazy awareness of love. 

Faith?

My whole life I've tried to find myself and figure out what im supposed to be doing. Through all those wrong doors and wrong turns I've molded myself. Maybe we create ourselves rather than find ourselves. All that time I was searching life was giggling at what I was just not getting. How childlike I looked searching for something everywhere else but within me. It almost makes me feel stupid although I know im not the first nor the last. Its almost flustering to know that I would have done so many things differently knowing what I know now. And then to think what if I did those things differently, would I still have my same friends? Same personality? Would I have met some of the people that changes my life? Would I be in a better pace than I am today? I like to think I live my life with no regrets, but having those thoughts in my head is that really someone who lives with no regrets, or are those completely normal thoughts most people have at one point in their life?
I like to think that everything happens for a reason but its kind of a hard pill to swallow. An even harder pill to swallow is the thought of a god, or higher being. Its hard to keep faith in this power that lets children die of cancer, that lets them be raped, murdered, and abused. I cant understand how a god could use children and torture them for their life, possibly their only life if you do or dont believe in reincarnation, or multiple lives. How God could want that for the child, how he could possibly have that in his plans.
For me religion has become something that is harder and harder to follow, and being someone who grew up in church for most of my life its hard for me to see myself slipping away from something I believed in so strongly. Is it the work of the devil? Or do I just not believe in religion anymore? I really dont know anymore. I my beliefs and my faith at times, and other times I really cant say for certain that I have a religion anymore. But then I see the terrible evil in this world at times and im almost certain that there has to be a devil, and if theres a devil then theres a god right? Or maybe I would rather think that people couldnt possibly without influence be that evil?
I dont really know, nor does anyone for certain know what lies beyond for us after we die, but I'd like to think that there is a peace and a beauty for us after we have passed. Faith can only positively lead us to death when it comes, beyond that point was the faith we had pointless? Theres so many questions we wont know until those days come and we arent a part of the earth, and our knowledge will be pointless.

Power of the Heart

Those moments you are curled into a ball in your bed with the covers hiding the tears. The endless series of thoughts going on and the unmistakable pain of heartbreak. The way your heart has so much effect on your whole being. When it comes to just pure feelings and emotions the way the heart leads you to believe that this pain you are feeling may be the most afflictive cut you will ever receive is mind blowing. It not only allows you to be crippled by pain but it has a tremendous ability to feel the most euphoric feelings known to humans. The way this muscle has the ability to completely debilitate someone in such a devastating way yet also has the same ability to completely uplift someone in their darkest hours is inconceivable. Theres a quote I read once that said, “the heart has reasons that reason does not know”, and it’s astonishing how true that is.

It was my first heartbreak and I was lying in bed crushed by this person who was supposed to be my everything. Being completely incapable of getting out of bed or to even speak is something my heart threw at me when things turned for the worst in my relationship.  I thought in my prior flings that there was love but it wasn't until this one that I knew I never had love before.  It was my first true love that left me damaged. I had something real, had real emotions, and had real agony. This wasn't my senior year romance that ended that I was a little sad about, this was someone I was unconditionally in love with.

People always ask didn't you see the signs of trouble? And my answer is of course I did, but as that quote above states my heart had reason I don't understand to this day. It played in opposite fields of my mind and it lost that game. Although now looking back I see that it didn't lose, it won in a different way then I could comprehend at the time. I believe in the heart. I believe when it comes to the matters of whether to listen to your heart or mind that you should choose your heart. Its been my observations that when peoples mind and heart are at odds that it will end in heartbreak, but I still believe to go with the heart. Its the minds defense to protect the heart from getting hurt just as it is our instinct to flinch at a baseball flying in close proximity to our comfort zone.

When my mind was screaming at me to just back off while I was still in tact, my heart kept pushing me to keep going. My heart convinced me that wondering “what if” the rest of my life would be torture. So I abandoned my mind and jumped in full heartedly into what I knew was doomed to be heartbreak, and in the end I got exactly what I jumped into.  My mind was trying to protect me, but I chose to listen to my heart.  So I layed in bed for a couple days before my friends dragged me out of my house and as the sun hit my skin and the tears were dried up to nothing my heart whispered that I would move on. Again my mind was trying to tell me that it would be years before I could love again, in yet another attempt to keep me from getting hurt by someone new.  

As my heart kept reassuring me that I would heal I started to work on my insecurities and started to focus on the things that I loved to do. I picked up my paintbrushes, picked up my old camera, and picked up my pen and paper and threw myself into all my hobbies I forgot that I had. It was in the things I loved that I found myself again, and until your heart finds itself whole again it won't completely move on. As soon as that happened my heart whispered yet again that I was ready for something new.

I believe that the heart knows exactly when its going to make its move and make you fall in love with someone. It makes you go through all these obstacles to make you a better person. It gives you clarity in what you are willing to accept out of life and what you expect from other people. It teaches you about who you are, and it rips off that band aid at the right moment for someone else to come in and see that patched hole and fill that space up the way you need. Its the hearts mind that allows you to be vulnerable, open and full of love even when love is what hurt you the most.

Then and now

it seems like only a few years ago my biggest life problem was that I was afraid of not fitting in on the playground, or learning to ride a bike.. in a matter of what seems like a few short years ive only caught glimpses of how hard life can be. how overwhelming everything can be all at once. how being hurt by someone doesnt mean the soccerball hit my face but now means I was betrayed by friends, lied to, cheated on, and experiencing heartbreak. instead of the playground rules, we have the hatred and backstabbing and stepping on people. we learn how to not trust, not open hearts, and not expect decency from most people.

This life and the next

i found this and i absolutely fell in love with it. 


the reason is hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. maybe they always have been and always will be. maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each one of them we've been forced apart for the same reasons. that means this goodbye is a goodbye for the past ten thousand years, and a prelude of what is to come. 
when i look at you, i see your beauty and grace and see that they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. and i know i have spent every previous life searching for you. not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. and then, for a reason neither of us understood, we've been forced to say goodbye. 
i would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and i promise to do everything i can to make sure it does. but if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, i know we will see each other in another life. we will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before.