Those moments you are curled into a ball in your bed with the covers hiding the tears. The endless series of thoughts going on and the unmistakable pain of heartbreak. The way your heart has so much effect on your whole being. When it comes to just pure feelings and emotions the way the heart leads you to believe that this pain you are feeling may be the most afflictive cut you will ever receive is mind blowing. It not only allows you to be crippled by pain but it has a tremendous ability to feel the most euphoric feelings known to humans. The way this muscle has the ability to completely debilitate someone in such a devastating way yet also has the same ability to completely uplift someone in their darkest hours is inconceivable. Theres a quote I read once that said, “the heart has reasons that reason does not know”, and it’s astonishing how true that is.
It was my first heartbreak and I was lying in bed crushed by this person who was supposed to be my everything. Being completely incapable of getting out of bed or to even speak is something my heart threw at me when things turned for the worst in my relationship. I thought in my prior flings that there was love but it wasn't until this one that I knew I never had love before. It was my first true love that left me damaged. I had something real, had real emotions, and had real agony. This wasn't my senior year romance that ended that I was a little sad about, this was someone I was unconditionally in love with.
People always ask didn't you see the signs of trouble? And my answer is of course I did, but as that quote above states my heart had reason I don't understand to this day. It played in opposite fields of my mind and it lost that game. Although now looking back I see that it didn't lose, it won in a different way then I could comprehend at the time. I believe in the heart. I believe when it comes to the matters of whether to listen to your heart or mind that you should choose your heart. Its been my observations that when peoples mind and heart are at odds that it will end in heartbreak, but I still believe to go with the heart. Its the minds defense to protect the heart from getting hurt just as it is our instinct to flinch at a baseball flying in close proximity to our comfort zone.
When my mind was screaming at me to just back off while I was still in tact, my heart kept pushing me to keep going. My heart convinced me that wondering “what if” the rest of my life would be torture. So I abandoned my mind and jumped in full heartedly into what I knew was doomed to be heartbreak, and in the end I got exactly what I jumped into. My mind was trying to protect me, but I chose to listen to my heart. So I layed in bed for a couple days before my friends dragged me out of my house and as the sun hit my skin and the tears were dried up to nothing my heart whispered that I would move on. Again my mind was trying to tell me that it would be years before I could love again, in yet another attempt to keep me from getting hurt by someone new.
As my heart kept reassuring me that I would heal I started to work on my insecurities and started to focus on the things that I loved to do. I picked up my paintbrushes, picked up my old camera, and picked up my pen and paper and threw myself into all my hobbies I forgot that I had. It was in the things I loved that I found myself again, and until your heart finds itself whole again it won't completely move on. As soon as that happened my heart whispered yet again that I was ready for something new.
I believe that the heart knows exactly when its going to make its move and make you fall in love with someone. It makes you go through all these obstacles to make you a better person. It gives you clarity in what you are willing to accept out of life and what you expect from other people. It teaches you about who you are, and it rips off that band aid at the right moment for someone else to come in and see that patched hole and fill that space up the way you need. Its the hearts mind that allows you to be vulnerable, open and full of love even when love is what hurt you the most.
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