Excerpt

I lived there when I turned 21 for a year, and as much as I hated being away from my friends and family, the seclusion was exactly what i needed for my mental health. I learned a lot about myself in the absence of everyone near and dear to my heart. I learned to love the sound of winds, the sight of the leaves rustling all over the nearly ice cold concrete, and most of all the fresh crisp air that just filled my lungs with the comfortable sting of home. For being in a completely new territory, and being faced with the ultimate culture shock of a small town coming from being surrounded by city my whole life, I really grew to see this foreign place as my home. I for once in my life was able to sit out on my front porch, completely free in every way sipping my coffee to look up and see every star in the sky. There was no light pollution to ruin the beauty the heavens give us in the absence of materialistic posessions.
As I am here back in the enticing Southern California city life, the wind is the only thing I have here to remind me of that simple time in my life when I uprooted everything to live alone in the country. I don’t have the blessing of being able to sit out on my porch to drink my coffee, and look up to see the millions of shiny stars glaring down at me. All I have now are endless series of street lights, and the lights of the city to disguise the beauty of our nature. Oh how i miss the simplicity of that small town life.
I only made one friend the whole time I was there, and we never hung out once. We were school buddies, but I grew very fond of the girl. She was a small girl, who grew up in this small town with big town dreams. She wasn’t my best friend, but she was the closest thing I had to a close friend all alone up there. Hell, she probably doesn’t even know I conisder her a friend in my book. To her, we are probably strangers that met in school and became sociable towards each other for that reason alone. I know if the tables were turned that’s what I would feel.
She was a quirky, petite girl with a great infectious smile. Don’t get my flattery wrong for affection, I just admired her persona. She was a genuinely warm hearted person with a genuine personality. We would talk in class and vent to each other about the little problems in our lives, and other times we would sit and laugh at all the same quirkiness in everyones personalities including our own. She was one of those girls I wish I had known my whole life. Sadly, after my move back to the city we lost most contact with each other. She is still one of those people that I would help at any time if she needed it.
I remember my first day of school in this estranged town I was so nervous. The campus building in my town was roughly the size of a bank, with 6 classrooms, a computer lab, and a small room as our library. All of it was so alien to me, I thought I’d never adjust. I walked into my statistics class so unsure of everything I would be facing all alone this year in what I often think back as my year of solitude. I must have stuck out like a redhead in the middle of Compton in the middle of the night. The only white person in any of my classes, and I am not even full white. But boy did I stand out from the rest.
With the stagnant flavor of coffee on my breath I am forced to remember all my 2 AM runs to the local 7 eleven for my fix of more coffee for my christmas mug I never seemed to retire. I would on many of my sleepless nights fill my coffee mug, and pick up an old book, or put on for the hundedth time Breakfast at Tiffanys. I would sit with my puppy watching her while she slept like a baby through all my constant movement throughout the house through the late hours of the night. Often so restless at night she would either come curl up at my feet or she would demand a full cuddle from me, seeming to know that if I cuddled with her warm little fur ball body I would soon succumb to the temptation of my heavy eyelids.

Semicolon

The semicolon ; used when a sentence could have been ended but wasnt. And isnt that the beautiful tragedy of most relationships. To expect an ending only to just prolong the inevitable period. The married couple who always fight, dont have sex anymore, and rarely sleep in the same bed. The baby love couple, fresh out of high school totally unaware of the changes their lives are going to go through that will most likely rip them apart. And me, holding on to her with every fiber of my being. Never using the period, always continuing even if theres nothing left to say. Keeping the possibility of a new sentence in my mind at all times.

EQUALITY!

I know I am a few days late in the whole DOMA, Prop 8 excitement. So lets start out with how unbelievably excited and happy I am to be a part of a state that now recognizes gay marriage. Soon throughout the country it wont be called gay marriage, it will just be marriage. I am so so so happy that I now have the right to marry any women I want to. I went to bed tuesday with that right being taken away, and woke up wednesday morning with that right given back to me, and to all my LGBT friends. 

Our children will one day ask us, did you really have to go through the persecution and a time of inequality for your sexual orientation. And our generation will tell our kids, nieces, nephews, etc, that WE stood up for our rights to love who we love even when it was tough. That kids, teens, young adults, were killing themselves because of their sexuality, and we stood up and said enough was enough. WE fought for equality, and fought for our rights as humans to not make any more of these people feel the only way to deal with their sexuality was death. WE made a difference in our long long fight for our rights. WE didnt back down when our peers, or even worse our family persecuted us for our choices. WE stood our ground when family, friends, coworkers, the media, told us we were immoral, that we were the abominations. (450 species practice homosexuality, only one has homophobia...who are the abominations now?) 

Wednesday was a historical day for California, and a big step for our nation to one day get gay marriage legal on a national scale. It is an ongoing battle, but for now GOOD BYE PROP HATE, DOMA is gone forever! 

Family

Family?

Before the judgments flow through the minds of anyone, let me state that family is supposed to be the most important foundation in our lives and yet I find it hard to say I care about some of my family.

Our relatives are our blood, through thick and thin? I think not. Just because someone shares my DNA does not in any way make them family. I think so many people forget this. Some have these strong values about family being everything, and I would agree. But a lot of the time people forget that family is a title earned not a rightful title given at birth.

I can accept the fact that there are blood relations that I do not love, and simply don't have a care for them for one reason or another. I've been given opposition to this from people saying that I am morally wrong for thinking that, and family is the only thing we can count on.

But what do you do when your family has proven to you time and time again that they cannot be counted on? Betrayal, lies, and heartache are not the characteristics I choose to associate with family. Instead of yearning for a side of the family to behave like decent humans, I found my replacement. I found my family among friends as well as certain areas of my gene pool.

I chose to make a family I could count on. Blood is simply a fact of a DNA connection . Family is what is felt in the heart. The ones you would turn to before anyone else. When I realized I would go to certain people before I would go to some of my family I knew that family was a matter of choice.

You can't choose the family you are born into, but you can choose who you consider family. My grandma once told me that saying some blood relatives are not family is like saying she was not my family. When in fact that is completely wrong because she has been like a mother to me.

Family is supposed to be your rock, support, shoulder, etc. When you have an undeniable love for someone, a love that you know you would die for, that is when you know you have family.

If family is everything, then I want my everything to be exactly what I choose to feel as family. Not this preconceived idea that anyone who shares my DNA comes first and foremost

I Can Watch This Over and Over

My first movie I can and have watched numerous times is Breakfast at Tiffanys. I can watch this movie two or three times a week and it will never get old for me. I first saw it my senior year of high school, and fell in love with it my first year of college. Holly Golightly is such a relateable character to me. She is this lost girl in New York City looking for money and her idea of love in all the wrong places. She is in the kindest of words, a gold digger.

Although she has her shady behavior with men, her character is completely lovable. She is frustrating at times, but even for an older movie, her character is easy to understand and relate to in any era I believe. A lot of her feelings and her characteristics are still extremely relative and comprehensive to a lot of women now.

She is simply a lost and scared girl. Her heart is genuinely warm, although her actions at times make her out to be a cold money hungry temptress. Her real warm hearted side comes into play when she meets someone who seems to challenge her views and doesn't simply bow down to her lifestyle. Although he is exactly like her, a gold digging man using a fortune of an older women to support him and further his career as an author.

It isn't until he meets her that he starts to really see the wrong in his way of living. He wants to make an honest living, and wants to find real love when he meets her. These characters are even today, modern. They just capture what it is really like to be a struggling young adult and the lengths some of us are willing to go to ensure their futures.

I can identify with Holly simply because I know exactly how it feels to be lost and scared in this world not knowing how on earth I am going to make it on my own. This character will always be relevant which is why this movie will never get old for me. No matter what era we are in her struggles and fears are the same fears everyone faces at one point in their lives or another.

You simply cannot live your life without these sorts of issues and fears which makes this movie a timeless classic. If someone cannot relate to either of the main characters then they are not living their life, or taking risks. I believe any age group can relate, whether you are a middle schooler looking for your place among cliques, a high schooler unsure of your future, a college student trying to get a degree and earn a living, a middle age person struggling with all the obstacles life has to throw you, or an elderly person unsure of their life's accomplishments. The theme of the movie is universal, and fitting to all ages.

It is a simple movie, with simple people living their lives as best as they can in their moments of confusion, love, and fear. The simplicity of the relationships is so realistic and just honest that I wont ever get tired of watching this movie no matter how many times I watch it.

soul mates

The day old question, Do soul mates exist?

Yes soul mates exist, but not in the way Hollywood makes them out. A soul mate is someone who connects with you on an emotional level, a deeper level than any other person has accomplished. A soul mate can be a friend, a family member, best friend, or the traditional one, a lover.

Soul mates are put in our lives at carefully selected times. I read once, "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

There is nothing truer than that. They come in fill a void in your heart, warm a spot in there, then they leave, leaving a hole for someone else to come and fill with new knowledge and new experiences.

I believe our souls are connected with fellow souls, and much of our life is this gravitational pull to our next experience. If the reality of past lives is in fact true, then I am forced to believe that souls through time form deep connections, and search for each other constantly. And in a string of luck might possibly get to connect again. Sometimes maybe those souls face the same fate they have always faced and are forced to part, and maybe, just maybe they get things right in this lifetime and end up being together for this life at the very least.

Its a beautiful thing to think about, whether true or not, it is nice to think that maybe at one point in time those souls have touched each other. I don't believe we have souls, I believe we are souls, and these are our bodies. A mere host for this lifetime.

I have been lucky enough to have met two of my soul mates. One of them being my best friend, and the other a past love. How can anyone be sure that someone they meet is a soul mate? There is no clear answer, no right or wrong. It is all about the pure feelings. When you meet someone and you have that instant connection, it is undeniable that those two people are meant to be a part of each others lives, whether for a brief time, or forever.

These two people have touched my heart beyond feelings, they have graced my soul. They have both taught me things about myself, and life that I would not have otherwise had knowledge of. The love was short, but not forgotten. I will never not love that girl, but our soul mate time ended. Maybe one of those soul mates that is destined to repeat the past? The other one, my best friend, I could confidently say knows me better than I know myself.

Cliche, yes, but true nonetheless. She knows every nook and cranny of my mind, even thousands of miles apart, rarely seeing each other, and minimal talks, she is the closest person to my heart to this day. Closer than my family, and any partner I have ever had has gotten to.

Soul mates don't come once in your life, but throughout our lives, helping us shape ourselves. They are the people that walk us through obstacles we may not even realize we had until years later. They make you feel a little less empty, and a lot more whole. Their is no such thing as a perfect soul mate. They are meant to push your buttons, challenge you, and make you a better you along the way.

day 2 letter

Dear Dad,
well we dont have much of a relationship.. We talk but we dont really talk. We see each other but we dont actually see each other. We live on the surface towards each other, but no further than surface facades. Our version of affection is a quick pat on the back with no feeling. We dont feel in our family. We dont show that we love one another, or care about one another. I know its there, but we dont ever see it. I am just this person trapped in this body unable to show you who I am.
I dont blame you for your attachment issues. I have the same ones thanks to you. I just wish I could have the dad I had before you got cancer. The dad that was hilarious, and outgoing, and easy to get along with. The life of the party dad. I knew you before you had cancer, and we never got reacquainted. I will catch a glimpse here and there, its a rarity, like a brief window opens up and then closes back almost instantly. Sierra was too young to ever remember you pre-cancer. And its a shame, because anyone that knew you before can attest that you were 360 degrees different.
I miss that dad, and my sisters will never get a chance to truly see the man my mom fell in love with. Yes of course she loves you, or at least most of the time, but you arent the same person she married. She misses you. I know she does. She wishes she could have the Kevin that she met in high school, the one she married, the one she was happy to take home to her family and friends.
Its not your fault, I know that. But it doesnt make it any easier for us. And I know you feel it too. I know you can tell you are completely changed. Life beat you down and you got back up, but not without permanent scarring. And its just a shame. I wish I could have the relationship that a father and daughter have. I wish I could talk to you the way my friends talk to their parents. I wish I felt comfortable opening up to you, or to anyone for that matter.
 Ive let three people in my entire life. Two of them are my best friends. One of them broke my heart and crushed me from the inside out. And you wouldnt know anything about that because I cant come to you and talk to you about these things that go on in my life. I wish I could. I dont know why I cant let anyone in without taking off in the other direction sprinting away from anyone that could maybe poke a few of my walls.
Maybe its our family? Your whole side is emotionally destructive, and fucked up. Maybe its our curse. Or maybe its just some fucked up cycle that every generation keeps passing on. If I ever have kids, I hope to god I dont pass this fucked up mental health on to them. I dont think I will, simply because your side of the family is diminishing because theyre all too fucked up to be a real family. The only family I have ever had came from my moms side. That will be the environment they are raised in well before they get a whiff of the shit show your family puts on.
Well dad, Im sorry im not the daughter envisioned, or what not. I am not living the life you planned. But you should know better... Parents cannot plan their childs lives. It never works. I wish we could have that close relationship, but I simply know its not in the cards for us. Maybe one day. I say that with little hope though.

Day 1 letter

Dear Ex-bestfriend,

Its a shame things had to come to an end. But some friends are meant to stay in your life while others are only there for a short time. I dont regret anything, and im not sorry for anything you feel that I did was wrong. I always stand for what is right, even if that means standing against my best friends. I stood out against you and your actions and now you hate me, and thats fine. The loss of your friendship has had minimal effect on me, which leads me to believe that we just werent true friends the way you liked others to perceive. Truth is you have some serious psychological issues, and it all does stem from your mother. Your mother treats you like absolute shit, yet you still have this innate need to please her in everything you do.. But ill be honest right now, your mom is an evil person. She hates you for being gay, and as much as you want to deny it, or she denies it, the proof is in her actions and in her words. She told you that she only loves you because she has to, because shes your mom... Thats not motherly love, thats evil. I get your desire to be loved by your parents, but realistically thats not the hand we are all dealt. You had friends who loved you, and who tried and tried to be there for you. And you threw all of us away. Every one of your childhood friends, and any friends in between, you trashed in a cold manner. You simply said you didnt lose anyone of us, but you threw the garbage from your life. To your childhood best friends. You dont deserve fogiveness, and I dont expect your skull to comprehend that your actions and words are very wrong. I will never apologize for standing for what i feel is the right thing. Hope you have a good time with no friends and no one to turn to because you threw us out of your life. 

school assignment- gay marriage

Arieana Croom

Professor Yun

English 2

2 May 2013

Gay Marriage: Conservative For It

In this article Ted Olson, a lifelong republican, defends the rights for gays and lesbians to marry under the law. He acknowledges these opposing opinions and easily refutes them with some common sense thinking. He starts off with defending that allowing gay and lesbians to marry only “promotes the values that conservatives prize”.  Their whole goal for marriage is to have stable bonds, families, partners contributing to society and to our economy, and most importantly a loving household. Gays and lesbians are more than capable of creating this, and have proved so throughout history.  Olson states time and time again that no matter what the argument is against homosexual marriage, that it always derives with the same solution, it is unconstitutional to ban these people from marriage under our constitution and against what our forefathers wrote in the Declaration of Independence. Olson quotes Abraham Lincoln, “our forefasthers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal”.  It is clear cut in our constitution that discrimination and deprivation of our unalienable rights should not be deprived.

Olson acknowledges that some states do have homosexual marriage legal under certain state laws, but he calls for a national change in the ways we are treated. “The very idea of marriage is basic to recognition as equals in our society; any status short of that is inferior, unjust, and unconstitutional”.  He notes that yes, marriage has traditionally been held strictly between a man and a woman. And while the supreme court has always regarded our rights to marry in that notion, “the underlying rights and liberties that marriage are not in any way confined to heterosexuals”.

Californias unjust decision to ban gay and lesbians from marrying is described as “a union unreservedly approved and favored by the community”.  Olson argues that regardless of what we choose to admit to ourselves and others that homosexuals have always been in our neighborhoods, our workplace, and hell, even in our churches. We have yet to destroy or be unfavorable to anyone else. We have and always will be a part of our communities. As a society we have grown more tolerant, understanding, and accepting. These arguments for tradition seem to be a bunch of nonsense. It is tradition that gays and lesbians have been parts of creating our societies, and telling us otherwise is telling us that our relationships are less important, less loving, and less meaningful than those of heterosexuals.

Olson tackles the argument of procreation. The argument being that if the laws allow us to be married that we will “dilute, diminish, and devaluate this goal”.  Olson states the most common sense rebuttal to this. Gays and lesbians are still not procreating in the “traditional” way. That just because it is open for us to marry doesnt mean any more or any less heterosexuals will conceive children. Lifting the ban on marriage is not going to all of a sudden turn heterosexuals into gays and lesbians against their will, or brainwash them into liking the same sex. The fact is that the procreation argument, to me, is such a joke. Like Olson said it cannot be taken seriously. He notes that we dont ask whether heterosexuals are even planning on marrying, or if they can conceive for that matter. We allow elderly people to marry, prisoners, and any other people with no intention of conceiving marry with no questions asked.

Lets face it, us gays aren't ruining marriage, or the sanctity of it. People like Kim Kardashian, and Britney Spears are, yet they are free to marry for 52 hours, or 72 days, and then continue the patterns. The ridiculous argument that it could be so harmful for me to marry my girlfriend is disgusting. When people like that are unfit to be parents and don't take marriage seriously are free to marry and divorce as many times as they want. When Olson asked the judge in one of his cases what the possible harm this could do to heterosexuals, he honestly answered that he could not think of one.

“Confining some of our neighbors and friends who share these same values to an outlaw or second-class status undermines their sense of belonging and weakens their ties with the rest of us and what should be our common aspiration”. Even these religious people who think it is an abomination, demon possession, morally bankrupt, a sentence to hell and damnation, and utterly unacceptable, etc., the list can go on and on, have to acknowledge and not warrant the unequal treatment. Whether religious people want to admit it or not, science has proven their theories wrong. People  are in fact born homosexual, just as much as everyone else is born heterosexual. Just as the constitution protects religion, it also protects others from forcing their views on us. “I do not believe that our society can ever live up to the promise of equality and the fundamental rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness until we stop invidious discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation”.

The argument that it is just too soon is easy to refute simply because all of the states that have made laws protecting certain rights that homosexuals have. The only step that needs to be further taken is the national equality of marriage. Not long ago we had to banish interracial marriage, and segregation in schools. It almost seems inconceivable that its was less than a hundred years ago our country was fighting these equality issues. To see how far we have come as a country only promotes that creating all around equality is for the greater good. “How lonely and personally destructive it is to be treated as an outcast and meaningful it will be to be respected by our laws and civil institutions as an American, entitled to equality and dignity”. I see no reason that I should be forced to be a second class citizen.

           Part 2

I think in question one I made my stance pretty clear. My reaction to California's ban on homosexual marriage was obviously one of disgust. The fact that in this day and age I, as well as every other member of the LGBT community are in fact not equal to the heterosexuals in our state is heartbreaking ast best. The man my uncle has spent the last 6 years with, and himself cannot legally be married because of these nonsense laws. I’m nowhere near the maturity for marriage, but its sad to know people you love, friends and my uncle, who cannot marry the people they love because of the close mindedness of these people. If I wanted to marry my girlfriend tomorrow I should have every right to do so. My own pursuit of happiness, as well as many dear to me, have been denied for no legitimate reason.

personal

ive always known i had some suppressed memories of my childhood from when my dad had brain cancer. I always thought it was just one thing i couldnt remember though.. It wasnt until i was talking to my mom the other day about that time in our lives that i realized it wasnt just one thing i cant remember,  i am missing a whole time frame.
 She started recalling stories, and i couldnt remember any of them.. Its just so fascinating what the human mind is capable of to protect ourselves. I dont know why my mind repressed these memories. My dad survived his cancer, and its been about 13 or so years now. I dont know what my mind was trying to protect me from because theres a lot of things i do remember despite the many things i cant.
Its so strange to hear stories of things you did, and things you experienced, and feel like you didnt actually live that scenario, or moment in time.

Bitter

     Its so hard to express myself. I avoid feelings and emotions at all costs. I often come off as an asshole or a bitch. But those who know me well enough know that I am actually very caring and that I have a big heart. Sadly my own parents cant be included in that category.

     Its exhausting to have your parents time and time again never choose to see a positive part of who I am. They cling to their comfort. And sick as it is, their comfort is seeing me at my worst. They love to tell people whats wrong with them rather then acknowledge the good in anyone. So when I am in a much healthier mental state and my self esteem was rising, of course my mom does everything in her power to knock me down. She doesnt want to acknowledge that I am in a better place, because then that would mean her religion is coming into question. How could you be gay and be happy? How could you say you love God, be happy and be gay? If you are happy with who you are and she doesnt agree, she comes in with the old stereo types of yourself that are years old. She loves reminding me of my darker place, when I am clearly in such a brighter place against their will. 

      Not only does she refuse to see the good in who I am becoming, she loves to play the martyr. Being offended that I am still bitter and angry towards how she and my father treated me when I came out. Like how dare I be angry for what she says "is merely a disapproval". That statement is utter bullshit. She tells me all the time that I am just so low on self esteem that I will go for whatever is there. Not only have i turned down quite a few men, I have turned down just as many girls. If I had low self esteem it would be because of her. She tells me that this is just a phase. That this is a form of demonic possession  That no one in our family approves or likes that I am gay, despite the fact that each of them have called me on their own time and have talked to me about it. 

     Wanna talk about disapproval? Getting pregnant at 19, and married at 20, then having me 2 months later. My grandparents didnt approve but they didnt tell her she was damned to hell, that her actions were that of a demon, or show her any less love. Thats the difference between being morally decent and being ridiculously closed minded. 

      

Question of the day

Q: What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

It is definitely easier to look into someones eyes when they are telling me how they feel. Neither are easy for me but if I had to choose to do one I would choose the second one. I have such a ridiculous fear of letting people in, and being too close, and being intimate with someone. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. To look directly into someones eyes when opening that cage of vulnerability is like letting a person who has never gone to medical surgery perform open heart surgery on me. It rips open every ounce of that wall you had up. 
When I have avoided eye contact in the past it was because I really didnt feel the words I was saying. Not to say i throw around emotions with people, because in the moment I believed that I had those feelings, and it wasnt until looking back that I saw the fault in my actions. Theres one person I have managed to open this kind of vulnerability to. And I have so many friends who have said that you cant love someone in a short time, and i just find that to be ridiculous. I cant say that in the past i didnt feel that way because I really did. I always thought you had to have a strong relationship before you could feel any form of love. And by experience with this one person, an experience so brief it hurts my heart, I know that its completely possible to fall in love with someone in  a short amount of time.
I believe in many soulmates in someones lifetime. Each one of those soulmates are meant to be in someones life but not necessarily meant to stay. Those soulmates are meant to make us question ourselves, theyre meant to rip open every facet of our mind and mix us up, theyre meant to shake our world up and leave us turned upside down. They are meant to poke holes in our heart and then leave with those holes gaping so that something magnificent can take its place and fill us up. 
When our heart is full another soulmate comes along and repeats the process, and this continues throughout our lives until we are who we are supposed to be.
She was one of those soulmates for me. I wish she was that one soulmate that never leaves, but that just isnt in the cards for us. Maybe she will be the soulmate that comes back. I dont know, All i know is I loved, and still love her with every cell in my body. She is the most haunting thought I have at night, as well as the most beautiful image I can conjur up. 
She is no where near perfect, and shes not even a healthy choice. But when you meet that someone and you just fall and open every door and lower every wall youve built your whole life, it sticks with you. And your friends wont understand, and they may think youre foolish, but you know the feeling of meeting someone so utterly special to your world. And that feeling of love will never fade in your mind. Its something you can always look back to and remember so vividly. 
And the first step to all of these feelings was staring straight into her eyes telling her how i felt. It was the beginning of such a crazy awareness of love. 

Faith?

My whole life I've tried to find myself and figure out what im supposed to be doing. Through all those wrong doors and wrong turns I've molded myself. Maybe we create ourselves rather than find ourselves. All that time I was searching life was giggling at what I was just not getting. How childlike I looked searching for something everywhere else but within me. It almost makes me feel stupid although I know im not the first nor the last. Its almost flustering to know that I would have done so many things differently knowing what I know now. And then to think what if I did those things differently, would I still have my same friends? Same personality? Would I have met some of the people that changes my life? Would I be in a better pace than I am today? I like to think I live my life with no regrets, but having those thoughts in my head is that really someone who lives with no regrets, or are those completely normal thoughts most people have at one point in their life?
I like to think that everything happens for a reason but its kind of a hard pill to swallow. An even harder pill to swallow is the thought of a god, or higher being. Its hard to keep faith in this power that lets children die of cancer, that lets them be raped, murdered, and abused. I cant understand how a god could use children and torture them for their life, possibly their only life if you do or dont believe in reincarnation, or multiple lives. How God could want that for the child, how he could possibly have that in his plans.
For me religion has become something that is harder and harder to follow, and being someone who grew up in church for most of my life its hard for me to see myself slipping away from something I believed in so strongly. Is it the work of the devil? Or do I just not believe in religion anymore? I really dont know anymore. I my beliefs and my faith at times, and other times I really cant say for certain that I have a religion anymore. But then I see the terrible evil in this world at times and im almost certain that there has to be a devil, and if theres a devil then theres a god right? Or maybe I would rather think that people couldnt possibly without influence be that evil?
I dont really know, nor does anyone for certain know what lies beyond for us after we die, but I'd like to think that there is a peace and a beauty for us after we have passed. Faith can only positively lead us to death when it comes, beyond that point was the faith we had pointless? Theres so many questions we wont know until those days come and we arent a part of the earth, and our knowledge will be pointless.

Power of the Heart

Those moments you are curled into a ball in your bed with the covers hiding the tears. The endless series of thoughts going on and the unmistakable pain of heartbreak. The way your heart has so much effect on your whole being. When it comes to just pure feelings and emotions the way the heart leads you to believe that this pain you are feeling may be the most afflictive cut you will ever receive is mind blowing. It not only allows you to be crippled by pain but it has a tremendous ability to feel the most euphoric feelings known to humans. The way this muscle has the ability to completely debilitate someone in such a devastating way yet also has the same ability to completely uplift someone in their darkest hours is inconceivable. Theres a quote I read once that said, “the heart has reasons that reason does not know”, and it’s astonishing how true that is.

It was my first heartbreak and I was lying in bed crushed by this person who was supposed to be my everything. Being completely incapable of getting out of bed or to even speak is something my heart threw at me when things turned for the worst in my relationship.  I thought in my prior flings that there was love but it wasn't until this one that I knew I never had love before.  It was my first true love that left me damaged. I had something real, had real emotions, and had real agony. This wasn't my senior year romance that ended that I was a little sad about, this was someone I was unconditionally in love with.

People always ask didn't you see the signs of trouble? And my answer is of course I did, but as that quote above states my heart had reason I don't understand to this day. It played in opposite fields of my mind and it lost that game. Although now looking back I see that it didn't lose, it won in a different way then I could comprehend at the time. I believe in the heart. I believe when it comes to the matters of whether to listen to your heart or mind that you should choose your heart. Its been my observations that when peoples mind and heart are at odds that it will end in heartbreak, but I still believe to go with the heart. Its the minds defense to protect the heart from getting hurt just as it is our instinct to flinch at a baseball flying in close proximity to our comfort zone.

When my mind was screaming at me to just back off while I was still in tact, my heart kept pushing me to keep going. My heart convinced me that wondering “what if” the rest of my life would be torture. So I abandoned my mind and jumped in full heartedly into what I knew was doomed to be heartbreak, and in the end I got exactly what I jumped into.  My mind was trying to protect me, but I chose to listen to my heart.  So I layed in bed for a couple days before my friends dragged me out of my house and as the sun hit my skin and the tears were dried up to nothing my heart whispered that I would move on. Again my mind was trying to tell me that it would be years before I could love again, in yet another attempt to keep me from getting hurt by someone new.  

As my heart kept reassuring me that I would heal I started to work on my insecurities and started to focus on the things that I loved to do. I picked up my paintbrushes, picked up my old camera, and picked up my pen and paper and threw myself into all my hobbies I forgot that I had. It was in the things I loved that I found myself again, and until your heart finds itself whole again it won't completely move on. As soon as that happened my heart whispered yet again that I was ready for something new.

I believe that the heart knows exactly when its going to make its move and make you fall in love with someone. It makes you go through all these obstacles to make you a better person. It gives you clarity in what you are willing to accept out of life and what you expect from other people. It teaches you about who you are, and it rips off that band aid at the right moment for someone else to come in and see that patched hole and fill that space up the way you need. Its the hearts mind that allows you to be vulnerable, open and full of love even when love is what hurt you the most.

Then and now

it seems like only a few years ago my biggest life problem was that I was afraid of not fitting in on the playground, or learning to ride a bike.. in a matter of what seems like a few short years ive only caught glimpses of how hard life can be. how overwhelming everything can be all at once. how being hurt by someone doesnt mean the soccerball hit my face but now means I was betrayed by friends, lied to, cheated on, and experiencing heartbreak. instead of the playground rules, we have the hatred and backstabbing and stepping on people. we learn how to not trust, not open hearts, and not expect decency from most people.

This life and the next

i found this and i absolutely fell in love with it. 


the reason is hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. maybe they always have been and always will be. maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each one of them we've been forced apart for the same reasons. that means this goodbye is a goodbye for the past ten thousand years, and a prelude of what is to come. 
when i look at you, i see your beauty and grace and see that they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. and i know i have spent every previous life searching for you. not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. and then, for a reason neither of us understood, we've been forced to say goodbye. 
i would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and i promise to do everything i can to make sure it does. but if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, i know we will see each other in another life. we will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before.