day 2 letter

Dear Dad,
well we dont have much of a relationship.. We talk but we dont really talk. We see each other but we dont actually see each other. We live on the surface towards each other, but no further than surface facades. Our version of affection is a quick pat on the back with no feeling. We dont feel in our family. We dont show that we love one another, or care about one another. I know its there, but we dont ever see it. I am just this person trapped in this body unable to show you who I am.
I dont blame you for your attachment issues. I have the same ones thanks to you. I just wish I could have the dad I had before you got cancer. The dad that was hilarious, and outgoing, and easy to get along with. The life of the party dad. I knew you before you had cancer, and we never got reacquainted. I will catch a glimpse here and there, its a rarity, like a brief window opens up and then closes back almost instantly. Sierra was too young to ever remember you pre-cancer. And its a shame, because anyone that knew you before can attest that you were 360 degrees different.
I miss that dad, and my sisters will never get a chance to truly see the man my mom fell in love with. Yes of course she loves you, or at least most of the time, but you arent the same person she married. She misses you. I know she does. She wishes she could have the Kevin that she met in high school, the one she married, the one she was happy to take home to her family and friends.
Its not your fault, I know that. But it doesnt make it any easier for us. And I know you feel it too. I know you can tell you are completely changed. Life beat you down and you got back up, but not without permanent scarring. And its just a shame. I wish I could have the relationship that a father and daughter have. I wish I could talk to you the way my friends talk to their parents. I wish I felt comfortable opening up to you, or to anyone for that matter.
 Ive let three people in my entire life. Two of them are my best friends. One of them broke my heart and crushed me from the inside out. And you wouldnt know anything about that because I cant come to you and talk to you about these things that go on in my life. I wish I could. I dont know why I cant let anyone in without taking off in the other direction sprinting away from anyone that could maybe poke a few of my walls.
Maybe its our family? Your whole side is emotionally destructive, and fucked up. Maybe its our curse. Or maybe its just some fucked up cycle that every generation keeps passing on. If I ever have kids, I hope to god I dont pass this fucked up mental health on to them. I dont think I will, simply because your side of the family is diminishing because theyre all too fucked up to be a real family. The only family I have ever had came from my moms side. That will be the environment they are raised in well before they get a whiff of the shit show your family puts on.
Well dad, Im sorry im not the daughter envisioned, or what not. I am not living the life you planned. But you should know better... Parents cannot plan their childs lives. It never works. I wish we could have that close relationship, but I simply know its not in the cards for us. Maybe one day. I say that with little hope though.