Day 1 letter

Dear Ex-bestfriend,

Its a shame things had to come to an end. But some friends are meant to stay in your life while others are only there for a short time. I dont regret anything, and im not sorry for anything you feel that I did was wrong. I always stand for what is right, even if that means standing against my best friends. I stood out against you and your actions and now you hate me, and thats fine. The loss of your friendship has had minimal effect on me, which leads me to believe that we just werent true friends the way you liked others to perceive. Truth is you have some serious psychological issues, and it all does stem from your mother. Your mother treats you like absolute shit, yet you still have this innate need to please her in everything you do.. But ill be honest right now, your mom is an evil person. She hates you for being gay, and as much as you want to deny it, or she denies it, the proof is in her actions and in her words. She told you that she only loves you because she has to, because shes your mom... Thats not motherly love, thats evil. I get your desire to be loved by your parents, but realistically thats not the hand we are all dealt. You had friends who loved you, and who tried and tried to be there for you. And you threw all of us away. Every one of your childhood friends, and any friends in between, you trashed in a cold manner. You simply said you didnt lose anyone of us, but you threw the garbage from your life. To your childhood best friends. You dont deserve fogiveness, and I dont expect your skull to comprehend that your actions and words are very wrong. I will never apologize for standing for what i feel is the right thing. Hope you have a good time with no friends and no one to turn to because you threw us out of your life. 

school assignment- gay marriage

Arieana Croom

Professor Yun

English 2

2 May 2013

Gay Marriage: Conservative For It

In this article Ted Olson, a lifelong republican, defends the rights for gays and lesbians to marry under the law. He acknowledges these opposing opinions and easily refutes them with some common sense thinking. He starts off with defending that allowing gay and lesbians to marry only “promotes the values that conservatives prize”.  Their whole goal for marriage is to have stable bonds, families, partners contributing to society and to our economy, and most importantly a loving household. Gays and lesbians are more than capable of creating this, and have proved so throughout history.  Olson states time and time again that no matter what the argument is against homosexual marriage, that it always derives with the same solution, it is unconstitutional to ban these people from marriage under our constitution and against what our forefathers wrote in the Declaration of Independence. Olson quotes Abraham Lincoln, “our forefasthers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal”.  It is clear cut in our constitution that discrimination and deprivation of our unalienable rights should not be deprived.

Olson acknowledges that some states do have homosexual marriage legal under certain state laws, but he calls for a national change in the ways we are treated. “The very idea of marriage is basic to recognition as equals in our society; any status short of that is inferior, unjust, and unconstitutional”.  He notes that yes, marriage has traditionally been held strictly between a man and a woman. And while the supreme court has always regarded our rights to marry in that notion, “the underlying rights and liberties that marriage are not in any way confined to heterosexuals”.

Californias unjust decision to ban gay and lesbians from marrying is described as “a union unreservedly approved and favored by the community”.  Olson argues that regardless of what we choose to admit to ourselves and others that homosexuals have always been in our neighborhoods, our workplace, and hell, even in our churches. We have yet to destroy or be unfavorable to anyone else. We have and always will be a part of our communities. As a society we have grown more tolerant, understanding, and accepting. These arguments for tradition seem to be a bunch of nonsense. It is tradition that gays and lesbians have been parts of creating our societies, and telling us otherwise is telling us that our relationships are less important, less loving, and less meaningful than those of heterosexuals.

Olson tackles the argument of procreation. The argument being that if the laws allow us to be married that we will “dilute, diminish, and devaluate this goal”.  Olson states the most common sense rebuttal to this. Gays and lesbians are still not procreating in the “traditional” way. That just because it is open for us to marry doesnt mean any more or any less heterosexuals will conceive children. Lifting the ban on marriage is not going to all of a sudden turn heterosexuals into gays and lesbians against their will, or brainwash them into liking the same sex. The fact is that the procreation argument, to me, is such a joke. Like Olson said it cannot be taken seriously. He notes that we dont ask whether heterosexuals are even planning on marrying, or if they can conceive for that matter. We allow elderly people to marry, prisoners, and any other people with no intention of conceiving marry with no questions asked.

Lets face it, us gays aren't ruining marriage, or the sanctity of it. People like Kim Kardashian, and Britney Spears are, yet they are free to marry for 52 hours, or 72 days, and then continue the patterns. The ridiculous argument that it could be so harmful for me to marry my girlfriend is disgusting. When people like that are unfit to be parents and don't take marriage seriously are free to marry and divorce as many times as they want. When Olson asked the judge in one of his cases what the possible harm this could do to heterosexuals, he honestly answered that he could not think of one.

“Confining some of our neighbors and friends who share these same values to an outlaw or second-class status undermines their sense of belonging and weakens their ties with the rest of us and what should be our common aspiration”. Even these religious people who think it is an abomination, demon possession, morally bankrupt, a sentence to hell and damnation, and utterly unacceptable, etc., the list can go on and on, have to acknowledge and not warrant the unequal treatment. Whether religious people want to admit it or not, science has proven their theories wrong. People  are in fact born homosexual, just as much as everyone else is born heterosexual. Just as the constitution protects religion, it also protects others from forcing their views on us. “I do not believe that our society can ever live up to the promise of equality and the fundamental rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness until we stop invidious discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation”.

The argument that it is just too soon is easy to refute simply because all of the states that have made laws protecting certain rights that homosexuals have. The only step that needs to be further taken is the national equality of marriage. Not long ago we had to banish interracial marriage, and segregation in schools. It almost seems inconceivable that its was less than a hundred years ago our country was fighting these equality issues. To see how far we have come as a country only promotes that creating all around equality is for the greater good. “How lonely and personally destructive it is to be treated as an outcast and meaningful it will be to be respected by our laws and civil institutions as an American, entitled to equality and dignity”. I see no reason that I should be forced to be a second class citizen.

           Part 2

I think in question one I made my stance pretty clear. My reaction to California's ban on homosexual marriage was obviously one of disgust. The fact that in this day and age I, as well as every other member of the LGBT community are in fact not equal to the heterosexuals in our state is heartbreaking ast best. The man my uncle has spent the last 6 years with, and himself cannot legally be married because of these nonsense laws. I’m nowhere near the maturity for marriage, but its sad to know people you love, friends and my uncle, who cannot marry the people they love because of the close mindedness of these people. If I wanted to marry my girlfriend tomorrow I should have every right to do so. My own pursuit of happiness, as well as many dear to me, have been denied for no legitimate reason.

personal

ive always known i had some suppressed memories of my childhood from when my dad had brain cancer. I always thought it was just one thing i couldnt remember though.. It wasnt until i was talking to my mom the other day about that time in our lives that i realized it wasnt just one thing i cant remember,  i am missing a whole time frame.
 She started recalling stories, and i couldnt remember any of them.. Its just so fascinating what the human mind is capable of to protect ourselves. I dont know why my mind repressed these memories. My dad survived his cancer, and its been about 13 or so years now. I dont know what my mind was trying to protect me from because theres a lot of things i do remember despite the many things i cant.
Its so strange to hear stories of things you did, and things you experienced, and feel like you didnt actually live that scenario, or moment in time.

Bitter

     Its so hard to express myself. I avoid feelings and emotions at all costs. I often come off as an asshole or a bitch. But those who know me well enough know that I am actually very caring and that I have a big heart. Sadly my own parents cant be included in that category.

     Its exhausting to have your parents time and time again never choose to see a positive part of who I am. They cling to their comfort. And sick as it is, their comfort is seeing me at my worst. They love to tell people whats wrong with them rather then acknowledge the good in anyone. So when I am in a much healthier mental state and my self esteem was rising, of course my mom does everything in her power to knock me down. She doesnt want to acknowledge that I am in a better place, because then that would mean her religion is coming into question. How could you be gay and be happy? How could you say you love God, be happy and be gay? If you are happy with who you are and she doesnt agree, she comes in with the old stereo types of yourself that are years old. She loves reminding me of my darker place, when I am clearly in such a brighter place against their will. 

      Not only does she refuse to see the good in who I am becoming, she loves to play the martyr. Being offended that I am still bitter and angry towards how she and my father treated me when I came out. Like how dare I be angry for what she says "is merely a disapproval". That statement is utter bullshit. She tells me all the time that I am just so low on self esteem that I will go for whatever is there. Not only have i turned down quite a few men, I have turned down just as many girls. If I had low self esteem it would be because of her. She tells me that this is just a phase. That this is a form of demonic possession  That no one in our family approves or likes that I am gay, despite the fact that each of them have called me on their own time and have talked to me about it. 

     Wanna talk about disapproval? Getting pregnant at 19, and married at 20, then having me 2 months later. My grandparents didnt approve but they didnt tell her she was damned to hell, that her actions were that of a demon, or show her any less love. Thats the difference between being morally decent and being ridiculously closed minded. 

      

Question of the day

Q: What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

It is definitely easier to look into someones eyes when they are telling me how they feel. Neither are easy for me but if I had to choose to do one I would choose the second one. I have such a ridiculous fear of letting people in, and being too close, and being intimate with someone. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. To look directly into someones eyes when opening that cage of vulnerability is like letting a person who has never gone to medical surgery perform open heart surgery on me. It rips open every ounce of that wall you had up. 
When I have avoided eye contact in the past it was because I really didnt feel the words I was saying. Not to say i throw around emotions with people, because in the moment I believed that I had those feelings, and it wasnt until looking back that I saw the fault in my actions. Theres one person I have managed to open this kind of vulnerability to. And I have so many friends who have said that you cant love someone in a short time, and i just find that to be ridiculous. I cant say that in the past i didnt feel that way because I really did. I always thought you had to have a strong relationship before you could feel any form of love. And by experience with this one person, an experience so brief it hurts my heart, I know that its completely possible to fall in love with someone in  a short amount of time.
I believe in many soulmates in someones lifetime. Each one of those soulmates are meant to be in someones life but not necessarily meant to stay. Those soulmates are meant to make us question ourselves, theyre meant to rip open every facet of our mind and mix us up, theyre meant to shake our world up and leave us turned upside down. They are meant to poke holes in our heart and then leave with those holes gaping so that something magnificent can take its place and fill us up. 
When our heart is full another soulmate comes along and repeats the process, and this continues throughout our lives until we are who we are supposed to be.
She was one of those soulmates for me. I wish she was that one soulmate that never leaves, but that just isnt in the cards for us. Maybe she will be the soulmate that comes back. I dont know, All i know is I loved, and still love her with every cell in my body. She is the most haunting thought I have at night, as well as the most beautiful image I can conjur up. 
She is no where near perfect, and shes not even a healthy choice. But when you meet that someone and you just fall and open every door and lower every wall youve built your whole life, it sticks with you. And your friends wont understand, and they may think youre foolish, but you know the feeling of meeting someone so utterly special to your world. And that feeling of love will never fade in your mind. Its something you can always look back to and remember so vividly. 
And the first step to all of these feelings was staring straight into her eyes telling her how i felt. It was the beginning of such a crazy awareness of love. 

Faith?

My whole life I've tried to find myself and figure out what im supposed to be doing. Through all those wrong doors and wrong turns I've molded myself. Maybe we create ourselves rather than find ourselves. All that time I was searching life was giggling at what I was just not getting. How childlike I looked searching for something everywhere else but within me. It almost makes me feel stupid although I know im not the first nor the last. Its almost flustering to know that I would have done so many things differently knowing what I know now. And then to think what if I did those things differently, would I still have my same friends? Same personality? Would I have met some of the people that changes my life? Would I be in a better pace than I am today? I like to think I live my life with no regrets, but having those thoughts in my head is that really someone who lives with no regrets, or are those completely normal thoughts most people have at one point in their life?
I like to think that everything happens for a reason but its kind of a hard pill to swallow. An even harder pill to swallow is the thought of a god, or higher being. Its hard to keep faith in this power that lets children die of cancer, that lets them be raped, murdered, and abused. I cant understand how a god could use children and torture them for their life, possibly their only life if you do or dont believe in reincarnation, or multiple lives. How God could want that for the child, how he could possibly have that in his plans.
For me religion has become something that is harder and harder to follow, and being someone who grew up in church for most of my life its hard for me to see myself slipping away from something I believed in so strongly. Is it the work of the devil? Or do I just not believe in religion anymore? I really dont know anymore. I my beliefs and my faith at times, and other times I really cant say for certain that I have a religion anymore. But then I see the terrible evil in this world at times and im almost certain that there has to be a devil, and if theres a devil then theres a god right? Or maybe I would rather think that people couldnt possibly without influence be that evil?
I dont really know, nor does anyone for certain know what lies beyond for us after we die, but I'd like to think that there is a peace and a beauty for us after we have passed. Faith can only positively lead us to death when it comes, beyond that point was the faith we had pointless? Theres so many questions we wont know until those days come and we arent a part of the earth, and our knowledge will be pointless.

Power of the Heart

Those moments you are curled into a ball in your bed with the covers hiding the tears. The endless series of thoughts going on and the unmistakable pain of heartbreak. The way your heart has so much effect on your whole being. When it comes to just pure feelings and emotions the way the heart leads you to believe that this pain you are feeling may be the most afflictive cut you will ever receive is mind blowing. It not only allows you to be crippled by pain but it has a tremendous ability to feel the most euphoric feelings known to humans. The way this muscle has the ability to completely debilitate someone in such a devastating way yet also has the same ability to completely uplift someone in their darkest hours is inconceivable. Theres a quote I read once that said, “the heart has reasons that reason does not know”, and it’s astonishing how true that is.

It was my first heartbreak and I was lying in bed crushed by this person who was supposed to be my everything. Being completely incapable of getting out of bed or to even speak is something my heart threw at me when things turned for the worst in my relationship.  I thought in my prior flings that there was love but it wasn't until this one that I knew I never had love before.  It was my first true love that left me damaged. I had something real, had real emotions, and had real agony. This wasn't my senior year romance that ended that I was a little sad about, this was someone I was unconditionally in love with.

People always ask didn't you see the signs of trouble? And my answer is of course I did, but as that quote above states my heart had reason I don't understand to this day. It played in opposite fields of my mind and it lost that game. Although now looking back I see that it didn't lose, it won in a different way then I could comprehend at the time. I believe in the heart. I believe when it comes to the matters of whether to listen to your heart or mind that you should choose your heart. Its been my observations that when peoples mind and heart are at odds that it will end in heartbreak, but I still believe to go with the heart. Its the minds defense to protect the heart from getting hurt just as it is our instinct to flinch at a baseball flying in close proximity to our comfort zone.

When my mind was screaming at me to just back off while I was still in tact, my heart kept pushing me to keep going. My heart convinced me that wondering “what if” the rest of my life would be torture. So I abandoned my mind and jumped in full heartedly into what I knew was doomed to be heartbreak, and in the end I got exactly what I jumped into.  My mind was trying to protect me, but I chose to listen to my heart.  So I layed in bed for a couple days before my friends dragged me out of my house and as the sun hit my skin and the tears were dried up to nothing my heart whispered that I would move on. Again my mind was trying to tell me that it would be years before I could love again, in yet another attempt to keep me from getting hurt by someone new.  

As my heart kept reassuring me that I would heal I started to work on my insecurities and started to focus on the things that I loved to do. I picked up my paintbrushes, picked up my old camera, and picked up my pen and paper and threw myself into all my hobbies I forgot that I had. It was in the things I loved that I found myself again, and until your heart finds itself whole again it won't completely move on. As soon as that happened my heart whispered yet again that I was ready for something new.

I believe that the heart knows exactly when its going to make its move and make you fall in love with someone. It makes you go through all these obstacles to make you a better person. It gives you clarity in what you are willing to accept out of life and what you expect from other people. It teaches you about who you are, and it rips off that band aid at the right moment for someone else to come in and see that patched hole and fill that space up the way you need. Its the hearts mind that allows you to be vulnerable, open and full of love even when love is what hurt you the most.